frostmycupcakes is no more
shame shame shame
but here is a peach, so picky and choosey
ready to bloom for the whole world to see

Requiem for a Dream

"and you got to remember baby, beautys only skin deep, but uglys to the bone"

what are we gonna do

( hand looks like death )

"PrunusPersica currently lives in Sonoma County, despite being born in New Jersey and spending her first seven years in South Africa. A major accomplishment of her life so far was placing 6th in the 126 pound wrestling weight class at the North Coast Sectionals in 2006. She is studying to become a teacher in the near future but is not boxing herself into any one position for the rest of her life. She loves baking, her kitten, long walks in the sun, and, of course, socks."

Dear steve's grandpa
please don't ruin the holidays by dying before or around christmas. I don't like the holidays as it is. I really don't need more bad memories or sad people around me. Plus this seasonal affective disorder thing? Please hold out till spring
thanks
Jackie

Your hand on his arm
Haystack charm around your neck
Strung out and thin
Calling some friend, trying to cash some check
He's acting dumb
That's what you've come to expect
Needle in the hay
Needle in the hay
Needle in the hay
Needle in the hay
He's wearing your clothes
head down to toes, a reaction to you
You say you know what he did
But you idiot kid, you don't have a clue
Sometimes they just get caught in the eye, you're pulling him through
Needle in the hay
Needle in the hay
Needle in the hay
Needle in the hay
Now on the bus
Nearly touching this dirty retreat
Falling out 6th and powell, a dead sweat in my teeth
Gonna walk walk walk
Four more blocks, plus the one in my brain
Down downstairs to the man, he's gonna make it all okay
I can't beat myself
I can't beat myself
And I don't want to talk
I'm taking the cure
So I can be quiet wherever I want
So leave me alone
You ought to be proud that I'm getting good marks
Needle in the hay
Needle in the hay
Needle in the hay
Needle in the hay

Remember the weight of the world
It’s a sound that we used to buy
On cassette and 45
And now this little girl
She says will we make it at all
800 miles is a drive

Yeah you got the weight of the world coming down like a mother’s eye
And all that you can
All that you can give is a cold goodbye
The law enforcement’s impressed you’ve survived to this age
Strapped-up soldiers
They’ll lock you in a cage without a goodbye
For a nickel bribe
But aww no where are you tonight
And how’d we get here
It’s too late to break it off
I need a release
The signal's a cough
But that don’t get me off
I summon you to appear my love
Got the weight of the world
I summon you here my love

Remember the weight of the world
It’s a sound that we used to buy
And all that you can
All that you can give is a cold goodbye
The law enforcement’s impressed you’ve survived to this age
Strapped-up soldiers
They’ll lock you in a cage without a goodbye
For a nickel bribe
But aww no where are you tonight
And how’d we get here
It’s too late to break it off
I need a release
The signals a cough
But that don’t get me off
I summon you to appear my love
Got the weight of the world
I summon you here my love
The signals are crossed but that don’t get me off
I summon you here my love

"you get really tired of trying to help people who don't want to help themselves" Valerie Bertinelli

"there is a big difference between recovery and recovered" NPR

Seasonal affective disorder (SAD)
By Mayo Clinic staff
     Definition
Seasonal affective disorder (also called SAD) is a type of depression that occurs at the same time every year. If you're like most people with seasonal affective disorder, your symptoms start in the fall and may continue into the winter months, sapping your energy and making you feel moody. Less often, seasonal affective disorder causes depression in the spring or early summer.

Don't brush off that yearly feeling as simply a case of the "winter blues" or a seasonal funk that you have to tough out on your own — you may have seasonal affective disorder. Treatment for seasonal affective disorder includes light therapy (phototherapy), psychotherapy and medications. Addressing the problem can help you keep your mood and motivation steady throughout the year.

     Symptoms
Seasonal affective disorder is a cyclic, seasonal condition. This means that signs and symptoms come back and go away at the same time every year. Usually, seasonal affective disorder symptoms appear during late fall or early winter and go away during the sunnier days of spring and summer. Some people have the opposite pattern and become depressed with the onset of spring or summer. In either case, problems may start out mild and become more severe as the season progresses.

     Fall and winter seasonal affective disorder (winter depression)
Winter-onset seasonal affective disorder symptoms include: (note: bold are my symptoms)

Depression
Hopelessness
Anxiety
Loss of energy
Social withdrawal
Oversleeping
Loss of interest in activities you once enjoyed
Appetite changes, especially a craving for foods high in carbohydrates
Weight gain
Difficulty concentrating and processing information

     Spring and summer seasonal affective disorder (summer depression)
Summer-onset seasonal affective disorder symptoms include:

Anxiety
Trouble sleeping (insomnia)
Irritability
Agitation
Weight loss
Poor appetite
Increased sex drive

so i guess im gonna go talk to my doctors about this.  it seems to make sense with my pattern.  over the summer im still down emotionally but its more of an anxious sadness than in the winter when im just down down down.  i remember highschool being this way too.  its strange to think that it might have to do with immigrating to the US; before, my "winters" were South Africa's summers.  The June/July/August months were winter, and even during the winter you can go to the beach.
one of the treatment suggestions is to plan a vacation in the winter to somewhere warm...  ^_^ anyone wanna go to hawaii after finals?  lol

i don't know whats wrong with me. i cant just blame it on the weather.

im not quite sure whats up with me. i've been thinking a lot about how depression and anxiety have a high rate of comorbidity and what not, and how that relates to me. my current diagnosis is Adjustment Disorder which can present with anxiety, depression, or both. but at the same time, getting that diagnosis didnt help anything. it doesnt make it any better to know whats wrong, it just helps me see whats wrong. i guess.

i have no passion right now. im so tired and beat and sad. i know i have to do good in school or else ill just hate myself more, but i dont have any other reason to do well. its pretty much decided that im going to graduate next december. i have 24 credits left. thats nothing. thats two semesters at the max and thats not taking into account what im going to do over winter and such.

as for january, i will be here at sonoma. im taking a required KIN class. it should be fine. hopefully next semester (spring) will go well. i can finish my minor and hopefully only take Hutchins classes, no more bullshit, no more lectures. Jesus, finally.

maybe its not a bad time to go on antidepressants. who would have ever thought i'd say that again.

i donno whats wrong with me. im doing everything im supposed to do. i cant just blame it on the weather.

loose lose loss

don't say the internet never thought you nothing.

i saw Naomi Klein last night.  oh my lord.  such a smart lady.  except that she thinks the economy should be run by the people.  bah.  democracy is not an economic system and democracy is a shitty way to run a country.  have you seen your neighbors?  what do they know?  jack SHIT.  have you looked in the mirror? what do you know?  other than your personal little life, generally, jack shit.  i agree that government and big business shouldn't be scratching each other's backs oh so tenderly; the economy and the country should be focused around the populus, no matter how dumb, ugly and vile they are.  but this is not to say that these dumb, ugly, ingornat and self centered people should be expected to run themselves.  most people can even manage their own little families, divorced with 2.2 kids, let alone their country.  geeze.

remember how after wwii the gi's got free housing, free college... yadayadayada.  thats because people were being taxed HUGE in comparison to what we are being taxed now.  but it wasnt huge.  people could still afford to eat, to get to work, to go on vacation.  quality of life was good.  and the taxes people paid came back to help them, and yes it helped the poor and unfortunate as well, god forbid.  but no.  now we believe in "flat tax" which means that the poor people are disporportionally fucked in the ass and the rich dont have to pay taxes (at least in california) on their yachts and private planes.  nice huh.  fair huh.  remember, those tax exemptions come as a cost: public health care for disabled kids (remember, a disabled kid is WAY more expensive to raise), women's shelters (these women have to leave their abusive usually breadwinning partner and rebuild their life from nearly nothing), from college students (fees in the CSU have increased over 70% in the last four year), their professors (who risk being fired for working on furlough days - remember they also got a 10% paycut and have to NOT WORK 2 times a month i believe - they are paid less to give students a shittier education and the ones that protest are in danger).  i volunteer in a kidergarten class room.  there are thirty little bodies and one teacher.  there happens to be an aide in the classroom but shes is pretty dedicated to the autistic child.  they struggle to get anything done.  the teacher says thirty is too much.  she could manage 25 but 20 is ideal.  in the mean time, her kids are falling behind.  she has a repeating student already (THIS IS KINDERGARTEN) and we are sure that even though he is a bright boy, there just isnt enough funding for one on one time and he will be held back again.  great huh.

and its only going to get worse because this year was "buffered" by stimulus money.

im not a republican and im not a democrat.  im not a capitalist and i dont believe in democracy.  i believe in the people but i believe more in a government that isnt the bitch of big business.  i dont know how to change this world, the way things are, the way people dont give a FUCKING SHIT.  but im open to suggestion.

 i fell off my bike today.  i saw a really cute dog walk by and i turned my head to look.  my handlebar hit a pole and i went flying.  fortunately i was wearing gloves.  i scratched up my pinky and my palm and got road rash on my hip but nothing bad really happened.  there are a couple bruised on my thigh from where i hit the bike as i fell off.  
a second after hitting the ground i rolled onto my back and announced, "i'm okay," just like i always do, mostly to hear myself say it and to start getting over it.  the owner of the dog ran over and kept asking me if i was alright, which seemed redundent after i had already told her that i was okay, but maybe i sounded shaky.  i donno.  i was pretty scared.  pretty shaken.  i did cry a little, mostly out of shame and embarassment and shock.
i remember the second before i hit the pole.  i knew i was going to hit the pole and that there was nothing i could do to stop it.
i remember flying off my bike after hitting the pole.  my body must have been prepared because i fell the way youre supposed to try to fall, on your flabby hip thing.  i protected my face and fortunately had gloves on or my hands would have been shredded.
the owner told me i should have been wearing a helmet.  nice thing to say huh.  im not mad at her.  it just seems kinda pointless at that point.  i should have been wearing the helmet before i fell, not once i was already on the ground.  that just seems silly.

i know what she meant.  but at the time i was pretty shaken.
my body is kinda very achy right now.  i hope the bruises dont look too bad.

"grass is green
sun is warm"
no hunger

Hands
We walked back to iDEATH, holding hands. Hands are very nice things, especially after they have travelled back from making love.
p. 40

i really want a paid account.
and i really want my woman functions to go back to normal. because this is not normal. im allowed to play with my pill like this. its not like im preggo or anything (im sure my body fat is still too low for that anyway) but this is really fucking annoying. because i want to have sex. now

and i cant.

humph.

anyway, i got my American Music midterm essay done, now just to study for my math test on wednesday and to work on all the other million things i have to do. im not going to belly dance for the rest of the semester except maybe on days when im all caught up (this wont happen). its sad, but im really fucking busy with school. god, i hate classes with meaningless homework. i hate classes with tests. what happened to lower division, when i could just talk and write and prove i knew the material better than... well, almost everyone. not to sound cocky.

but im a smart girl!
a smart girl with a nice trick called distraction through self-sabotage. but again, its okay, cause im fine.
and we will leave it at that.

i have class from 1045 to 12 but my math group wants to meet at 9... Well... I really dont wanna meet at 9. ill come just before 10 prolly.

blagh.

and i really aught to correct steves paper. he wrote it so well, but i can make the grammar soooooooo pretty. thats my thing.

anywho. new userpic. i really want a paid account.

oh my god fuck being lactose intolerant.

i go to a very liberal school in northern california. one of my favorite professors held an event last night that i was very excited and very nervous to go to.

it was called the Love Your Body Day coffee group. 30+ college aged girls and two older facilitators got a room, filled it with love, coffee, acceptance and food and told us to be honest. and so we were. alot of my (not very close but still very dear) friends were in the room, and though we have talked about womens issues before (sexual assault, food/body image, societal pressures, etc) i feel like everyone was more honest than they would have been. my professor talked about how she had battled eating disorders in her own life for 15 years and that she wanted to spare us all; she knows about mine and secretly told me she just wanted to talk to me all evening and get to the roots of my problems.

overall, i feel like it was a good thing. i dont feel so goddamn alone in this ED this morning. i dont feel so alone in being a woman this morning. its not easy ladies, to be a lady. we scream at ourselves everytime we look in the mirror, we drown our voices out in self harm, whether cutting, not eating correctly, overexercise, abusive relationships, the list goes on. my point is, we turn this nearly universally found womanly pain INWARDS instead of at our oppressors. who fights for womens resources when they are starving in their rooms? who thinks about getting a rape counselor for their school/area when they are cutting? its impossible to see outside of your pain when you internalize your anger and sadness.

my wish is that we could all see the truth. that we could all accept the truth. my wish is that we finally stand up and fight for the things we need. NO person is better than another. NOT ONE. we all live on god's green earth and we are all in this together. there is no reason for some people to take a back seat and others to ride first class. im not a communist. im a socialist. this is what socialism says. when people are broken up by economic class, they must see others as their competition, as their enemy. instead of looking out for the good of everyone, the people with the means look after themselves. the support for everyone else, the people who need it, disappears.

 what am i doing to myself